"I am so done with people always pushing me around."

Question

I have been bullied since 4th grade. I am so done with people always pushing me around. I have decided to end the pain myself. People have told me that I was ugly, stupid, an emo, a freak, a loner, and a [edited:self-harm]. I have self harmed.[edited:self-harming] I do anything that I could think of to enflict pain on myself because I feel the need that I should. I am sick and tired of people pushing me down and telling me I'm not worth it. I have decided that I am going to [edited:suicide] and I want to know the best way to do it. I have been hurt. My own family thinks that I just make up stories about everthing that happens to me at school. I get shoved into lockers, have paper ball's thrown at me, I get pushed down in the halls, I have notes that have the words[edited:content] freak, and loner taped on my locker. I don't have many friends and I have lost a best friend because of bullying. My brother decided to drop out of school and get a job because he was getting bullied too. My dad is an alcoholic and can't stay always from drinking. My mom puts too much responsibility on me and expects me to do everything myself. I can't take the pressure of everybody putting their problems on me. I want this pain to end and I have decided that I am going to commit suicide. The feeling of a [edited:content] can only help me for a certain amount of time, bit now I has decided to put an end to this monster that is me..... I need help....and badly.....

Answer from counsellor

I'm glad to meet you. You're hurting so much and you don't have to face this alone. I'm worried for your safety. You've been self-harming and having thoughts of suicide. I understand that you want the pain to go away, but you don't have to end your life to make that happen. You're asking for help and that takes courage. Even though there's a part of you that wants to give up, I'm guessing there's this other side that still has hope. Hope may seem faint and out of reach, but it's there. But I hear you, and with all that you're going through, it's difficult to know where to turn. Your father is an alcoholic, mom puts a lot of responsibility on you, and when you do try to talk with your family, they think that you "just make up stories". I believe you and I know that you're hurting. I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need at home. When a child is being neglected in the home, they can turn to Child Protection Services for help. They are the experts on abuse and neglect and it's their job to ensure the safety and care of children in the home environment. Give it some thought and if you have more questions, don't hesitate to ask. You mentioned that you "don't have many friends", does that mean that you do have some friends. I hope that it does. Can you talk with them about all this, do they help you out when kids bully you at school? It's definitely not okay to be treated like this. You said that you have a brother who gets bullied too, and I'm wondering if you help each other. Is your brother someone you could talk to? Have you ever reached out to the school for help. You have a right to attend school and to be safe, and your school has a responsibility to protect you. If necessary, the police could get involved. Could you talk with a teacher, counsellor or principal and tell them everything that you've told me?You deserve to have their time and attention. You are worth it. People get targeted and it's not fair. Maybe it's because you're quiet and shy and have a hard time standing up for yourself, or maybe you made a mistake and people can be so unforgiving. Whatever the reason is, it's not a good reason to hurt you and torment you this way. You're not a "monster", you're a person who deserves to be treated with respect. I wish for you to have as much support as possible right now, during this time when you're feeling so vulnerable. If ever you're in crisis, having thoughts of self-harm and suicide, call 911 and go to the hospital, it's a safe place to be when you no longer feel like you can keep yourself safe. You can also call Kids Help Phone at any time day or night, we're free, confidential, we never close and we'd like to help. I strongly encourage you to talk with an adult at school, someone who can counsel you and deal with this bullying situation. I realize that school is almost out for the summer, could you talk with your family doctor about all that you're feeling and going through? Who else could you tell? A doctor can give you a counselling referral and assess your immediate needs for help and safety. You are worth it and you do matter. There is help and you're truly not alone. Be well and be safe.