"I became obsessive and stalked him until he found out"

Question

Hey KHP counsellor,I was just wondering if I could get some advice on this issue that I currently have. Well, it's been with me for over a year now and I've been really worried about it lately. Well, last year I dated a guy for a very short period of time. We broke up and well I was left devastated.I became obsessive and stalked him until he found out. I was upset with how he was treating me so I said some nasty things. Along with that he was very terrified of me because I called his house, and he was upset that I didn't keep this relationship on the down low. He didn't give me his house number so he was really creeped out at how I got it (he doesn't give it out to anyone) and when he asked how I got it I lied and said he gave it to me. Anyways, I was severely depressed and sad because of the wole drama and desperately craved to have a boyfriend. There was another guy but that didnt end well either. I have definitely improved with my infatuation but I find that I still spend hours everyday thinking about how we could get back together or in an unrealistic setting first meet one another. I really do imagine all the fun times we could have had in this fake world that I create of him and I. I get so annoyed with myself spending so much time in bed and when I get up in the morning thinking about him. It gets so bad that I don't get enough sleep. I've tried so many times changing the image of him or his name to someone else, but it just isn't the same. I don't physically feel the same. It's really strange actually when I wake up I get this [edit: content]. Or even when I think about him intimately i get the same thing. I don't want to tell anyone about this because it's just so embarassing. Currently, we are in the same club at school so I have to see him every Monday. It's really strange seeing him because he does not match up to the fantasy i make him out to be.I just really want to be with someone inimately. I crave it soooo bad. I always feel terrible watching movies and going on social media because people always have someone to be intimate with. Whether it is kissing or having sex with. I've never tried porn though. I've heard that it was bad and addictive but tbh if it wasn't labelled as bad I think I might've tried it. When I was really young I went on it cause someone told me about it but I got caught by a teacher so I never got to watch anything... To this day I'm still kind of curious but due to her reaction of me being on it I stayed away. I feel so ashamed of thinking this way because this guy has a bad reputation. No one really likes him cuz hes cocky, snobby, not that attractive, short, and rude. I feel like no matter what my feelings for him won't change and I'll always have some type of love for him just because he introduced it to me. Some part of me thinks he felt the same way, but some part of me thinks he just did it for his insecurity. He told me love was overrated, but how should be know? I was the first and only girl he was ever with... My plea at the moment is how can I get over this guy? how can I get enough sleep and not think about him? how can i stop this [edit: content]? how can i focus on my current life without this loneliness getting in the way? Also, it disrupts my current activities (homework, piano, car rides and deep thinking) because I cannot stop thinking about him!Oh and when we see each other in the halls it's so awkard. One of us always makes a big scene and avoids the other by walking away. We have both made some progress though, with him and I making small attempts at talking (I mean like one word replies type of progress) "can you pass me one" or just simple "hey's". I'm also feeling really self concious about how he percieves me. cause if i were him i would hate me and think im a total wierdo/creep. i'm kinda jealous of how he moved on to this other girl (she's not interested) but I totally wish he still felt that way about me. Again I am not certain of his feelings for me but I'm pretty sure he's over it... I just really need help getting these questions answered.

Answer from counsellor

I recall talking with you a couple of times before! Hello. I'm glad to see that you feel you have made some improvements in terms of the infatuation, but it seems like you still spend hours thinking about this other guy, on a daily basis. What might have helped you to make those improvements? :-) You mentioned that you are annoyed with yourself for spending so much time thinking about him, that it causes you to not get enough sleep. For sure, you need your sleep! Here is a link on how to try and get a better night's sleep. Perhaps the tip on "picture a relaxing scene" might be helpful. When you find yourself thinking about this guy, try to shift your thoughts onto something else. Perhaps picture yourself somewhere peaceful, like a beach or in the forest. Somewhere that you would like to be...without this guy being in your peaceful place. You also mentioned that you struggle to focus on other areas of your life because you spend much time thinking about him. It sounds like you have a lot that keeps you busy, like piano and car rides and homework. I encourage you to try your best to stay focus on these! Only you can find a way! I also invite you to think about things you could do that might help you to feel less lonely. It might not be possible to be with someone right this moment, but it's important that you don't feel so alone. Do you have friends that you could hang out with? Is there anything at school or out in your community that you'd be interested in joining? Would you be interested in volunteering? Here is a link that talks about coping with loneliness, which I hope will help: kidshelpphone.ca/Teens/InfoBooth/Emotional-Health/Isolation-And-Loneliness.aspx I also invite you to think about taking breaks from watching movies and going on social media, if you find yourself feeling terrible when you see couples. Do you think this might help? Here is another link called "the single life," which shares some of the upsides of being single: kidshelpphone.ca/Teens/InfoBooth/Dating/The-single-life.aspx As well, a link on coping with a breakup: kidshelpphone.ca/Teens/InfoBooth/Dating/The-post-breakup-blues.aspx It sounds like this guy is interested in another girl and you're pretty sure that he is over you. It's understandable you would feel jealous and wish that he liked you instead. My hope is that you are able to find a way to make peace with this, as it sounds like you need your sleep and you need to be able to focus on piano and homework and car rides, and finding happiness again! Feel free to go back and read previous letters from you and from us Counsellors, to get a sense in terms of how far you have come and if there are any previous or repeated suggestions you feel would be helpful in continuing or in trying. Please know that Ask Us Online is closing for good at the end of this month, but the posts will remain on the website! It might be a good idea to start to think about who you could reach out to for support after Ask Us Online closes down. Do you have an adult in your life that you could talk to, should you need support? Would you be interested in one-on-one support? You can find resources in your city/town with the help of this link: kidshelpphone.ca/ResourcesAroundMe Though Ask Us Online is closing, you can still reach out to a Kids Help Phone Counsellor via IM Chat and our telephone line at 1.800.668.6868, if needed! I'm wishing you the best going forward!