"I don't really know how to cope with my eating disorder."


(i'm sorry i know i write really long messages >< ) since around the middle/end of grade 6, i've always had a struggle with my weight/. i know i am not overweight, or anything like that, but i naturally have muscles which bulk up very easily and look buff (especially in my thighs and upper arms). however, i used to be pretty chubby when i was younger, and my grandmother is very obese, which might have an effect on my paranoia of becoming fat. moving on...in grade 6, i used to eat whatever i wanted and ate unhealthy things ( edit)c. for snacks. then sometime later that year, i started learning about eating healthy from these daily emails i subscribed to from a trainer [denise austin]. in grade 7 i started eating healthily( edit), and exercising every night before i went to bed, which i guess was healthy, but then it progressed to eating up about 1hour or an hour and a half of my sleep time. in grade 8, i continued my "healthy diet", and i have to admit i maintained about the same weight until then. however, i started bulking up again because of sportslike basketball [which i love], and of course, the weight started adding on too, probably because of muscle. i also sort of started developing that year, because my hips grew bigger and i got other curves like that. when i was little, it used to be only my younger sister, and sometimes my mom, who teased me about having big thighs. but i lived through it, convincing myself that if i didn't have the big thighs w/ muscle, i wouldn't be able to play my sports as well. BUT in grade 8, one or two of my friends sometimes made comments hinting about my thighs and how they're big, so i started getting kind of sensitive about the topic. at the beginning of summer after grade 8 ended, i had a surgery which needed my legs to be anesthized [it was a really short surgery though. like only 30minutes long]. but i couldn't walk properly for about 3 days after becasue my legs were still numb. as a result, i lost all my muscle mass. and without muscle, ( edit) which had no actual function anymore. i tried being anorexic, but it lasted for only 2 or 3 days, and didn't help me very much, other than making me feel constantly sick and queasy. now i'm in grade 9, and i tried being anorexic again, because it's harder for your family to know what you eat if you're at school. and friends don't usually notice because we it felt good not to eat in the way that i didn't feel constantly stuffed, but then i ended up binge eating all this food at dinner, then eating more afterwards, which basically gained all the calories back, or even more, and right before i went to bed which is like the worst time to eat. i'm a bit better at coping with what i eat now. as a compromise, ( edit)i usually serving's in the end though. for breakfast, i However, as i tried eating healthy, i started picking out( edit) it just hit me that i was eating an animal. and now i can barely stand forcing red meat into my mouth. the only meat i don't mind is chicken and fish. if i changed my diet like this, would i still be eating healthy? or is changing my diet not really the root of my problem? i don't really know how to cope with my eating disorder...in fact, i didn't completely realize that i actually had a disorder until i was reading through some of the information on this site.

Answer from counsellor

I'm glad you wrote. Kids Help Phone doesn't have any medical staff, nor are we permitted to diagnose . I encourage you to see a Doctor to discuss these concerns because I am not sure you are totally on a healthy path. The Doctor can talk to you about what to eat, the food groups. and quantities. You can also look at the Canada Food Guide on line for information about healthy eating. It sounds like you gave it a # 1 effort. I am not trying to discourage you. I think there's a lot more you can learn by talking to the Doctor and educating yourself about what a healthy life style is. ( supportive)* BTW exercising before bed is not a good time because it is harder to fall asleep when you are pumped. Do you know what I mean? The exception would be mediation or Yoga. As well exercising ever day is not good for you. Muscles need to rest. The body needs to rest. You can talk to the Doctor about a safe, plan and how often to participate. It sounds like you are going down a dangerous path. Before it gets worse, seek medical guidance. . Self diagnosed as having an eating disorder? Again another reason to see the Doctor. Check in with how you are dealing with things and see if you are on the right track. Counselling might be helpful in dealing with emotional issues. Behaviours such as cutting back, how it affects you emotionally. the urgency to do that. Binging, starving. Then over compensating. It is a trap. One where you won't ever lose weight. Only get sick. When one is obsessed with weight, it's hard to know what will happen. You seem determined to be good to yourself. Good!!! Be open to suggestions. Do it with the help of medical professionals or counsellors that specialize in Eating issues.Body Image. Five Stars for trying to get on to a healthy path. Keep doing that. Keep educating yourself so that you can be healthy. Does this help a bit?