"I feel so broken."

Question

i don't know what to do. Ive been going through so much latly t school in terms of being bllied cuz m bi and all these lies going round aabout me. its been "sorted out" with the councler at school. the two people who were doing tht to me (who were once so close to me) said sorry then actedlike nothing ever hppend. but it did. nd now everyone aat school knows im bi nd that I harm myself.ive been under so much stress that I stoped caring about anything. I gve up on everything. I never wnt to do anything but be on my computer playing minecraft or playing guitr. if im not doing one of thse im eather eating or sleeping or just sitting lone in my room listioning to black veil brides. ive icolated myself from everyone. I get so mad so easily. some of my friends have left me because of this. no one understands what im going through.i cry myself to leep everynight. no forget what I just said im crying all the time. I feel so broken. and everyone thinks im going insane. minly because I keep seing this littler girl. no one else sees her but me. she even knocked on my door the otherday and asked to come in. she cme in then looked a me and hugged me then ran way. shes my only friend but everyone thinks ininsane. on top of all this my grandmawho ws very close to everyone died in march last year a few days after my birthday. I hate this. if I wasn't afraid of paain, I would have already killedmyself. just like everyone wants.keep in mind one of the roumors going round school oculd have gotten me aarrested or even worse. Iim giving up. I don't want to live anymore. I have no one to tlk to but my little friend who probably doesn't egsist and im just going crazy. I know who ever reds this is probably gunn sy something cheesy but I don't wnt an escpe from all this, I need one. aslso is there nyway I can tlk to someone nline for a longer time thn just one message each. I want a friend, whos real and wont leave me and whos not just my messed up mind. nd im very socially akward and don't wnt my parents to know so id prefer something online. I know its a lot to ask and stuff and im sorry for wasting your time.

Answer from counsellor

I'm really glad that you decided to write to Kids Help Phone as it sounds like you've been going through sooo much. I'm very sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you. Dealing with the loss of a grandparent, difficulties with friendships, bullying or self harm by itself would be a lot, let alone to be going through ALL of these things (and more!). While reading your post I could hear that all of this has really gotten to you - to the point where you've thought about dying. I can only imagine how it must feel to be crying yourself to sleep and to be feeling so alone and at-risk. You deserve a lot of credit for reaching out to us about how you are feeling so that you can get the help that you need and deserve. Bvb4life, If ever you feel like you may be in immediate danger I would encourage you to reach out to a safe, trusted adult right away or to call 911. I know that it may be tough to believe, based on how you are feeling right now, but it is possible for things to improve. With the right help and support it is possible to feel better. I sense that there's a chance that you may believe that's just something "cheesy" that people say, but there is truth behind that statement. We have heard from many young people who have overcome their struggles (ones that are similar to yours) and have been able to feel better. When you say that you need an "escape" from all of this there are ways to overcome the struggles without harming yourself. You mentioned that you don't want your parents to know about what's going on. What make you concerned about your parents knowing about this? I understand that people often feel more comfortable getting help online, but what you have described in your post are things that really do need on-going, in-person support. Often the first step in getting support is connecting with a doctor or with a counsellor. Due to your age this will likely mean that your parents need to be involved. If you would like to talk about what worries about your parents knowing please call us at 1-800-668-6868, or you could log into the Live Chat service to connect with a counsellor. One thing that stood out to me is that you have connected with a counsellor at the school and they have tried to address the bullying. If you don't feel like things have been totally handled can you follow up with them to let them know what may still be happening? Or if the situation with those two people was handled, can you be connecting with the counsellor to get some support for yourself - for how all of this has affected you? Could that be a starting point? While Ask Us Online has now closed Kids Help Phone does have a chat service that perhaps you could use sometime. I would still encourage you to connect with on-going support in your community, but we are here for you to get support in the moment when you really need it. You can find out more about chat by checking out this link: kidshelpphone.ca/Teens/AskUsOnline/Chat-counselling.aspx While I was reading your post I found myself wondering how you have been coping with all of this. I hear that you have certain bands and video games that you like. Do you use those things to distract yourself from the urge to harm yourself? To lift your mood a bit? You also mention playing guitar - you sound talented. Does playing the guitar help you to express yourself? What else has helped you to cope? If you're looking for more ideas we often recommend a website called KidsHealth. They have an entire Stress & Coping Centre here: kidshealth.org/teen/centers/stress_center.html I hope that you will consider reaching out for on-going help. You deserve it. You had the courage to reach out to us and I hope that you will use that courage and strength to reach out again so that you can get the help that you need to feel better - to address the struggles you've mentioned and to get to a place where you're feeling happy and not at risk. If you find that it's difficult to verbally tell someone what you are going through could you print off your post and give it to a trusted adult like a parent, relative, counsellor, teacher, etc? Your post really captured how you are feeling and if you were to show it to a trusted adult it would give them an idea of the type of support that you need. Something to know is that we can be reached 24/7 by calling 1-800-668-6868. I hope you'll connect with us if you're needing more support. We are here for you, bvb4life. Take care and stay safe.