"I hate my family."

Question

Even if I put this as nicely as I can it still sounds terrible. I hate my family. My mom’s side of the family is so mean! My auntie likes to call me a screw up all the time, she says my taste in music sucks and I am useless. My little cousin follows her mom, she likes to call me names and says pretty much all the time that I am worthless and better off dead. My other cousin is no better either; he says I’m irresponsible and that I don’t diserve anything that I have. My uncle likes to call me fat and ugly. My brother joins in and my mom doesn’t defend me. I’ve told them many times to stop it, but “Please stop it.” Turns to, “Stop it!” Then that turns into, “Shut the f***** up you ******!” And then I get in ****for swearing. I tell my mom how much I don’t get along with them and I don’t want to see them anymore because I’m sick of feeling like dirt, but she doesn’t listen! She thinks being stuck in a room with them for a few hours will magically fix everything, but it just makes it worse! I try and try and try to be better, and to stop being a screw up but it’s never enough. I get enough bullying at school from the boys in my classes I don’t need my family making fun of me on the weekends now. I feel like I’m a voice unheard in a sea of people who only love each other that I’m left out of. I don’t know what I should do anymore, I feel like an outsider in my own family. I don’t belong anywhere. People say they cry themselves to sleep once in a while, I do it every night. Even when I had a good day I still cry myself to sleep, I know no matter how happy I can be one day it’ll all be taken away from me sooner then I want. I don’t like waking up in the morning saying, “F*****” every day because I know something is going to happen that will never make my day better again. Every since my father died a few years ago I’ve become more and more withdrawn from everything. My classmates made fun of me for not having a father (like I can control that!) and I stopped going outside on weekends and weekdays. I started to hate my classmates and took shelter from everything in my life on the internet. The internet is my home, my family, my love. My mom has taken the internet away from me before and I cried to four days in a row, I became very ill. I saw no point in living anymore, nothing could regain my happiness without the one thing that actually made me feel worth anything. I’ve done that more then once; I often get very, very, very ill when I get too depressed. Now my body is just weak all the time, any sort of sickness; a cold, flu, or just a runny nose that goes around school or whatever I am the first to get it. My family has also helped me to become suicidal, with all this insulting from my peers and family I’m either going to grow up remembering a terrible childhood or I’ll probably just end up killing myself. I just don’t know how to make my life stop sucking so badly.

Answer from counsellor

It sounds like you are in so much pain that your thoughts of suicide are getting more intense. Am I right? Please please believe me when I say that suicide is such a final – permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know your pain and suffering has been going on so long that it seems forever…but it will not always be like this. We’ll talk about this, ‘kay? In the meantime, if EVER you have suicidal thoughts you must call us 1-800-668-6868 or call 911…our web service is not fast enough to get you help that fast. Okay?!!! Your post touched me so much, Grey_Rain. When I read that your father died a few years ago, my heart just flipped…I am so sorry for your loss. Grieving the loss of a parent hurts a whole lot at first and it can take a long time before feeling “less pain”. I like to compare grief to the ocean. There is a time when the tide is rolling in fiercely and that is when you are feeling sad, upset, angry and sometimes even guilty. When the waves roll back out into the ocean, you will be feeling a bit calmer. Over time the tides come in and out less frequently. Know that when they do, it can offer you an opportunity to remember a moment, to recognize important times you had with your dad. What do you think about that? Have you had any support, counselling or grief support after your father died? I imagine that your mom, brother and you are grieving “each” in your own way. Perhaps your brother is taking out some of his sadness by not being nice and supportive with you. And your mom just does not defend you when your relatives abuse you verbally all the time. Wow!!! That must hurt so bad!!! Is it possible your mom is hurting a lot too and is just not in a place to be totally there for you right now? Loss brings upon us so many changes…perhaps your mom has to work more now outside the home than before??? Since your mom is also grieving your dad, maybe she is more distant…maybe she tries to hide her pain so you won’t feel sad…perhaps you could talk about your dad together sometime. What do you think about that? How could you let your mother know how unhappy you are at home? Is there a way you could get her alone to talk? Do you and she ever go out shopping together…even if it is for groceries… it could be special time together, right? By the way, you talk a lot about how your auntie, uncle and cousins verbally abuse you all the time. Do you guys all live together or do they just drop by a whole lot? Tell me what has changed since your father died? How has your physical home life changed or has it? I can only imagine that it is difficult enough to lose someone we love. It must be so difficult to adjust to his no longer being around. What are some things you used to like to talk about with him? What were some special times you had together? I had to laugh a bit when reading that your aunt thought your music tastes suck…well, you are a teenager for pete’s sakes!!! Of course your tastes and her tastes are going to differ…THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO DIFFER!!! Teens don’t always appreciate adults liking their music…they have their own…and teens have theirs…that’s what makes it so special, right? It was very very sad to read the terrible things your family says…like that you are worthless and then more obscene things…then name calling…you try to tell them to stop to the point that you have to yell. Yup, I can see a person forgetting herself and slipping a few curse words out of frustration. What really irks me and also makes me sad is that no matter how much you yell and get upset…THEY ARE NOT LISTENING and YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE STILL STUCK IN A POSITION OF FRUSTRATION. So what else could you do? You say your mom does not defend you. That really sucks, because your family is verbally abusing you. It is NOT OKAY for them to do this. Since no one is listening…WE SURE ARE LISTENING and perhaps you need to find someone else to listen to you and help you make some changes at home. Someone who could talk to your mom about how unhappy you are. Can you think of anyone you trust who could do that? How about a school counsellor? Have you ever gone to see any counsellor at all in the past 2 years??? I just can NOT imagine going through what you have without some kind of support. What can you do to cope better? Do you like to write, journal??? You certainly articulate your thoughts really well here! Is it helpful writing in to us? How do you feel after you have posted? Relieved? More sad? Anxious to get a response as quickly as possible? Do you find yourself waiting earnestly for a response from everyone on the internet? Are you getting the feeling that you are getting TOO dependent on the internet? It sounds like the internet is almost your savior. It concerns me that you are shut up in your room like that. It makes it even harder to get out of your pain and suffering if you withdraw and isolate yourself. All the more reason to get some counselling and support in your afflictions at home and at school. Nothing will change if you don’t step “out of that room”. Reaching here is a huge step. Since you web a whole lot, check out www.soul2soul.ca . This is a website created for youths who are grieving the loss of someone very special to them. The website was designed and is moderated by Bereaved Families of Ontario. Are you familiar with this agency? There are many agencies all across Canada for children who have lost a parent, sibling or some significant other. Some of these agencies are called Bereaved Families, Compassionate Friends or Rainbow. All offer similar services. Groups of youths in the same age range get together for about 8 to 10 weeks. During that time a young bereaved adult (a person who lost a parent or sibling at a young age) facilitates the group of youths. There are activities to put everyone at ease and together you share your experience. Everyone tells their story in their way and how much they want. No one is forced to talk if they do not want to. Actually participation is over 50% listening, right? I say more than 50% because doing activities, journals, drawings etc. is participating; thinking and letting the group discussions and topic linger in your mind is also participating. How would you feel about checking out to see if there is a group like that in your area? Your school counsellor may know of such a group…maybe there is even one in your school!! If you like, you could give us a phone call and we could check that out too in our data base of agencies all across Canada. You are tired of feeling so bad…you don’t want to go to sleep crying anymore…you should not have to!! Please take one more step and reach out to a “live” person now. Calling us can be a start too… Take care!