"I'm 14 and life is horrible."

Question

Hi my name is [edited: name] and I'm 14 and life is horrible, and [edited: language] I'm depressed for about 2 years now with no help I'm trying to stay strong and fight but I can't and im worthless no one cares or understands :( I can just cry right now and everyday. My ex best friend from grade 6 isn't my friend anymore we would always have fights like 24/7 I've known her for about 4-5 years everything I see reminds me of her I'm serious and I don't think anyone know how I really feel she ditched me for a boy and is also blaming me that I'm talking about her. She always gives me dirty looks and talks to her group of friends at hell (school). I can't take this anymore whenever I see her which is everyday because she's also my neighbour I get some suicidal thoughts. I have a counsellor but she doesn't help and in school counsellor that helps with kids and no one seems to help its all just a waste of time. IM THINKING of killing myself tomorrow but then my Mind says no what about Rambo (my dog) I need help so much stress and anxiety and I think I also have OCD to many lists. Also I've been craving drugs and cigarettes and alcohol even though I've never even smoked before except marijuana and I need more [edited: language] weed or imma kill myself One day I was feeling so upset I looked in the medicine cabinet and found [edited: content] on it. It was my moms pills but then I took them and there was a lot in there so then I took about 2 on first day then felt bit dizzy and light headed but felt kind of good then I became addicted still kind of now but almost about to run out makes me more sad :,(. No one cares in my school I'm always alone at lunch and everyone there all on the rude girls side. I feel like I'm the only one going thru this at my school. I really wanna move. I'm also getting pretty bad grades in math but better. She's been texting me really rude things like of her hanging with her friends and also her doing laughing emoji. I also have a family problem.... My dad passed away about 4 years ago November 6,2011 I think it was. We only have our mom and an older sister and I have 4 more siblings hard to take care of that many children only with mom. I cant live anymore I want people to feel bad for me I need help now ??!!!! And my sister she's always better than me in everything like dance I've been doing dance from when I was a little kid now I feel like quitting and just doing nothing just eating all day and watching tv is life. Also I like to draw sad pictures and type sad stories about my life on [edited: website] and I love [edited: website] I'm a youtuber but not famous :( I also wanna become famous and I want to be better than my enemies (ex friends)!! P.S Sorry if I typed to much omg and I also waited like a [edited: language] week to post this

Answer from counsellor

Thank you for posting your message! You waited almost a week (or more) in posting your message and did not give up! I can really hear how things have been hard and how sad you have been feeling. You mentioned that you have been coping with depression on your own for 2 years and still staying so strong! I can also hear that you are open in getting more support, deserving to feel valuable, cared for and understood. I can hear that this fight is getting harder... more than ever. Still, you were able to use bravery in coming here. I hope together we can talk about some ideas for some next steps. I can hear the struggle you have been going through with these suicidal thoughts. I am concerned about you. Despite this struggle, you have still persisted. I wonder how have you been coping? During these times, where these suicidal thoughts grow, I encourage you to call us (1-800-668-6868) and/or call 911. You're not alone. We are here to help you. Having lost this friendship of 4-5 years sounds really tough. I can only imagine how you are feeling seeing that so much reminds you of her. I wonder if asking yourself what you learned about yourself from this relationship will help you to move forward? What are some expectations you now expect in future relationships? I can also hear how this friendship has now moved into bullying. Did you know that all schools have a bullying policy, where you must be free from bullying at school and teachers/principals/adults must help to keep you safe. What teacher/adult/principal can you picture talking about this with? I wonder how it may feel to know this policy exists because you are not the only one going through this at school? It sounds like it may also be affecting your grades. What would help you to ask your teacher questions or for extra help after/before class? My deepest sympathy for your dad’s passing. Losing someone you love is an incredibly hard experience. I wonder what you may think about this, for some people they find healing rituals help them through their grief. The idea behind a ritual is not to put the loss away rather to do something meaningful to help you feel a little stronger. I wonder what you might think of this idea… to draw a photo of the funniest memories you can remember. You can share it with your family or store it in a special place. You can also check this link for some other ideas of healing rituals and make it your own: kidshelpphone.ca/Teens/InfoBooth/Emotional-Health/Grief/Healing-rituals.aspx I can hear how your current counsellor hasn’t help too much right now. That’s okay. Some helpful questions to explore with your current counsellor and/or future counsellors: What would you want your counsellor to know about you, your strengths, goals you hope to reach? How will you like them to support you in this journey? What will this look like? I wonder if you would like to check this link to find another counsellor: http://kidshelpphone.ca/ResourcesAroundMe/. You shared some special qualities about yourself J Hmmm... you are a youtuber huh? J That is an exciting passion you have shared! What makes you love youtubing? How can this passion be more about you and less about others? How can you also explore other talents and/or hobbies? You also mentioned that you like to draw pictures and type stories about your life. What would a drawings or story of feelings of excitement, joy and nerves look like? What colours would you use? I wonder what you may think about this other idea. How you can make every walk with Rambo that much more memorial; like singing, playing fetch, taking a deep deep breath and appreciating all the sounds and colours around? I bet you can think of even better ideas I encourage you to call us or to continue coming here to talk about this or anything else. Whatever works best for you. We will continue to be here for you, in any way you may need us to be. You may already know this… our phone lines never ever close! J The waiting time may be shorter and we can be there for you even sooner. P.S I hope you don’t mind me changing your name. I did it in case it was your real name and wanted to keep your information confidential P.S.S: Sending Rambo an ear rub, for being there for you and giving you that extra piece of strength in coping with everything you are going through. For giving you the continued strength and courage to live.