“i always feel left out…”

This question was submitted to Kids Help Phone by a young person and answered by one of our professional counsellors.

Question

i had my group of friends that i loved and cared about. we all cared about eachother and had fun. but one day this girl that i dont exactly like that much just came in and took them away. i know to some people its like “how do you steal friends? thats not really possible” but theres no other way to describe the words. i always feel left out because i miss hanging out with my bestfriends. and also this girl is joining this thing at school that all of my friends are included in and it sucks because now EVERYWHERE i go with my squad shes gona be there taking them. but the reason why i care so much is because this girl always takes everyone i have and they end up forgetting me and i really want them to stay with me because they’re the only people who really made me happy but i cant even hang out with them anymore because of her

Answer

Thank you for reaching out. I’m sorry to hear about the troubles you’ve had with your friends. L It sounds like you and this girl have some history… What else has happened between you and her I wonder, especially when you say “this girl always takes everyone I have.” Are there other friends who have chosen to hang out with her and who may have stopped hanging out with you because of it? That’s the impression I get, and I really wish we were talking about all of this on the phone so you could explain the history to me. I feel like there is more to the story… It doesn’t feel good to be left out, especially when it’s with friends who you really care for. Have you tried talking to any of them directly about this, I wonder? They’re involved in this situation just as much as you and this girl so if there are issues it might help to try talking about it with them. They are making decisions that impact this situation too, after all. And if those decisions are hurting you and they care about you as much as it seems they do then I would hope they would want to know this was going on so they could help fix it. If you feel like you really want and need these friends in your life then you might have to take action… If no one knows you’re upset then no one will know you want them to help make it better, right? Sometimes it takes courage to speak out, but if it’s really worth it to hold on to these friendships then I trust you’ll be able to find that courage in yourself. Maybe there are one or two friends who you feel closer to who you can talk to about this one-on-one first, and then they can support you in talking to other friends… What do you think? You can also get some ideas about how to deal with this situation and how it makes you feel from our Feeling Excluded in a Friendship section (kidshelpphone.ca/Teens/InfoBooth/Friendship/Feeling-excluded.aspx). Check it out if you want, okay? Aside from hurt, I wonder what other feelings you’re dealing with right now… What other emotions go through you when you think about this situation? While reading your message there were a lot of emotions that came through for me in your words – hurt and sadness, but also hope. Hope that things can turn around and you can have that connection with your friends again. Hold on to that hope, and do what you feel needs to be done to keep it alive. It can be a really great motivator! I also want to encourage you to consider telling someone else in your life about what’s going on and how this is making you feel. Situations like this can bring up a lot of difficult feelings and sometimes it can feel nice to have someone you can share them with, someone who you can talk to and cry with (if you need to) and get advice and support from. Is there anyone in specific that comes to mind for you when I say these things? Maybe someone outside of this group of friends involved in the issue? If you find there are times when you have no one else to talk to, or if you just want some extra support from our counsellors, remember that we are here for you 24/7 by phone at 1-800-668-6868, okay? This is a tough situation, and I hope it gets resolved soon. But even if it doesn’t know that you aren’t alone in this, and we’re always here for you.

If you would like to know more about this topic, you can connect with a counsellor by phone or Live Chat.