“I’m dying inside…”
This question was submitted to Kids Help Phone by a young person and answered by one of our professional counsellors.
This is the end, and I am saying goodbye this way so that someone knows how I really felt at the end, even though you don’t know who I am. And I don’t know who you are. I have posted to you before with my problems, but they’re just too big to be sorted out over the internet. I’m dying inside, which is why I’ve decided to die on the outside as well. You’ve been very kind and I thank you for listening, but really I could write the answers you give me–this is not your fault at all, it’s just that I’ve heard it all before and there’s nothing new anymore being said to give me hope. My father is dead, my mother and I do not speak, I have no friend to whom I am the most important, my self-harming is no longer aiding in keeping the pain away, I am doing terribly in school, I am bullied to the point of avoiding school, I am probably depressed but can’t confess to my mother I can’t to see my doctor, I am just so so so sad all of the time. I know that you guys believe that suicide is ‘a permanent answer to a temporary problem’ but I’ve tried and tried and nothing’s getting better. By ending my life, I will be ending my pain. That is all I want. No one seems to want to help me anymore, and I have given up on myself. I have a plan, and if it doesn’t work I dont know what I’ll do. I am known as the girl who is always smiling, and I hope that this is how I am remembered. I am not going to do it yet–I am going to wait for your answer, to see if there’s any way you guys think I can survive? Because I know I don’t want to die–I just have no idea anymore how to live. I guess you could call this my final attempt at survival–please help me.
You’re in so much pain and I wish I could just take it away. You’ve written so clearly and succinctly, you almost have me believing. Almost. And then I come to your last line where you say “…I don’t want to die–I just have no idea anymore how to live”. It’s well said, poetic. Together maybe we can find a way. There has been a lot of pain and suffering. I’m sorry for all that you’ve lost and all that you miss. The bullying, the depression, the self-harming, and the plummeting grades, must feel so overwhelming. It’s hard to cope to say the least. I believe that you have tried and I know that it’s hard. But why not try what is hardest, before you make such a final decision. If you really feel like you’ve got nothing to lose then why not see a doctor, ask for counselling, talk with your mother, a teacher, someone who can help? You come here so I know you’ve got the courage, then why not take it one step further. Your life is worthy of so much more. You have a place in this world. Time is always passing and nothing ever stays the same. Change is slow and it inches painfully along. You won’t always be bullied, without friends, depressed and isolating. This time is now and it hurts so much, but this time will pass. Just hold on a little bit longer and wait for it. But don’t just wait, take some chances and reach out for help. It’s there, it really is. We’re here and you can talk to us whenever you need to. Call us if ever you feel like hurting yourself, we want to help you through it. Suck back your fear and speak out your feelings, yell it if you have to. Stand up and be noticed. You’re in pain and you deserve some patience and attention. If you talked with a doctor, a teacher, your mother, they could take you to the hospital and connect you with resources and services. There are options for people who are depressed and want to hurt themselves. There are healthy ways to manage and cope with your pain and ease your suffering. How do I convince you to take that chance, I wish I knew? All I have are my words and I appreciate your reading them, I can only hope that they make a difference. You have a story to tell, and it’s in the telling that you might heal. Your words give you strength, power, acceptance and relief. I urge you to tell your story and keep telling it, write about it and talk it out again and again until your mind is at ease. The answers are within you, you possess the power to make change happen, believe that you can. I’m worried that maybe you’ve heard all this before and my words are nothing new. You just want what we all want, a little bit of happiness and to feel like you belong, it’s not too much to ask. This is what I wish for you and this is what I believe you can have if only you give yourself the chance, many chances. You deserve as many as it takes. I won’t say “good-bye”, but I will say bye for now. I hope we talk again. Be well.