“I really cant handle my life and i need to die.”

This question was submitted to Kids Help Phone by a young person and answered by one of our professional counsellors.

Question

hi suicide is always on my mind i cant get it off its hard not to attempt it i have been attemptin i have no time to call kids help phone im to scared to call 911 or suicide attempt number i cant take my life i only have three friends who i dont hate tgey do no my selfharm problem i have a ski trip and so worried cuz my parents know i ( edit) same with my docter and stuff i am going to this place called (edit) to search an yea but at the ski trip we r stsaying at a hotel and there is a swimming pool people will see( edit) and shoulde and wrist plus i think i might have an eatin disorder but im afraid to tell my counsoler or doctor or parents an friends when i ( edit)im also goig through depression i really cant handle my life and i need to die thats all i feel i want to kill myself and since im not suposed to cutthat gets me mad cuz it helped with my suicidale thoughts so yea i cut behind tere backs what do i do plz help me pretty plz i would like to let go forever

Answer

I am really glad that you were able to find the time to write to us. Just so you know, you can call Kids Help Phone from a pay phone, a friend`s house, anywhere else in the community if you are out. This was a good start and we are proud of you for being so brave!! ( supportive)*. I have to tell you, my stomach did summer salts because there is a 12 year old who wants to end their life. The pain is so bad.I am not telling you to make you feel bad. You should NOT feel bad. It`s just scary to know that you are so young and life is so hard…… Please don`t give up on yourself. This is the beginning of getting better. ( reaching out to us)*. Can you tell us, what have you done. How did you try to kill yourself. You wrote i cant take my life. That`s a relief. But the attempts are still scary. It is is FAB that you are getting help. Your parents know and your Doctor knows. I am relieved. It takes time to get better. We are on your side. I sense you wish that you had more friends.People you liked. It is possible. About the hotel and the pool. People won`t see if you choose not to swim. One thing you can do is put a very long T shirt over your bathing suit. Can you get one. One that will go down to your knees or above a bit. There is a lot going on in your life and keeping it secret won`t allow you to get better. What do you think. Are you ready to ask the Doctor to check the eating thing. All of these things are happening because of how you feel about yourself and any specific problems you have. You are NOT to blame. I hope that you will let your counsellor know about the eating thing. You have proven by coming here today that you are BRAVE. And you want your life to be better. I hope that what you want to let go of is your pain. Not your life. Try to call. 1- 800- 668- 6868. Finally I am sure there were times that you wanted to cut and didn`t. What did you do instead. That worked. Think about it and make a list of things you can do instead that may take your attention away from self harm ok. If you phone together we can add to the list. We are on your side. We are here for you. Always. You ARE a good person. Remember that. How can I know that. I JUST DO! Trust me. See you soon. I am sure that you have a ton of strong feelings you need to talk about. We can. H U G Z S * PS: I think you might be feeling guilty about self harm behind your parents backs. Am I right. We can talk about that. We can talk about your anger too.