“My girlfriend recently came out to me as genderfluid”

This question was submitted to Kids Help Phone by a young person and answered by one of our professional counsellors.

Question

Hi, I’m a 14 year old female. My girlfriend and her ex are friends, and I’m friends with her as well and we have a pretty good friendship. My girlfriend, let’s call her T, recently came out to me as genderfluid today, but, I was also with her ex, let’s call her D, when she told me. D practically had to drag it out of T to tell me, because T told D before me. And they were also talking in private after school today only a couple feet away from me. I just feel like T should be able to tell me things and not have to hide them from me. She secretive about the things she talks about D with and it sort of bothers me, even though I know that they’re not doing anything. I’m just sort of hurt that she feels the need to tell D before me.

Answer

Thanks for sharing with us, and I can see where you’re feeling concerned about your girlfriend talking to her ex, quite a bit. You feel that you’d like her to talk to you about things she seems to be taking to her ex, first. But I ‘m wondering, depending on how long the two of you have been together, could this have more to do with the fact that she just has had a longer relationship with her ex? And because of that, is perhaps used to talking things over with her…especially very sensitive issues such as her feelings about her sexual identity? If so, it could mean that it’s not that she doesn’t want to talk to you, just that to start with, she’s more comfortable taking these issues to her ex. And then, she’ll come to you with it. How does this sound? How would you feel about asking her about this, in a gentle way? At the same time, you could reassure her that you want to be there for her too, anytime. Do you think it’s possible she might need this kind of reassurance from you? I hope this helps. Let us know how you’re doing, okay? And take care.