I don’t really know when it started,
or when everything became so grey.
I just know the things I used to love
don’t feel the same way.
I still get dressed,
I still do my hair.
I still laugh with my friends
and act like I’m there.
But sometimes I’m not.
I’m just going through the motions,
doing what I have to do.
And sometimes I look in the mirror
and barely recognize you.
Birthdays used to excite me.
I couldn’t wait for trips.
I’d get excited over little things,
new clothes, plans, even little gifts.
Now something good can happen
and I know I should be glad,
but I don’t really feel happy.
I don’t really feel sad.
Just…nothing.
And I think that’s the hardest part.
Because how do you explain you’re hurting
when you aren’t even crying?
How do you tell someone you’re lost
when from the outside you’re still trying?
Sometimes I miss the old me.
The girl who felt everything so deep.
The one who got way too excited,
who had dreams bigger than her sleep.
I don’t know where she went.
Maybe she’s tired.
Maybe she got lost along the way.
Maybe I don’t have to find her
all in one day.
So I’m trying to be patient with myself,
even when I don’t know what to do.
Because maybe I didn’t lose myself.
Maybe I’m just trying
to meet a new me too.
Kids Help Phone (KHP) is honoured to share creative content submitted by youth from coast to coast to coast as they Feel Out Loud with us. We thank the Feel Out Loud Community Creator of this piece for their contribution to youth mental health and well-being in Canada. For more information on the Feel Out Loud Community Creator Space and / or how you can submit your own creative content for possible publication, you can visit the submission page.
