Ever felt the weight of school, home life and everything in between? In The Weight of a Heartbeat, author Fallon Demornay shares Allix’s journey navigating those very challenges. When Allix learns about RiseUp, a Kids Help Phone e-mental health service for Black youth, they make a courageous decision to text for support. Through a fictional text conversation with a volunteer crisis responder, Allix finds the understanding they need just in time. You can check out the full story below.
Kids Help Phone and Wattpad partnered with Fallon Demornay to create a short story that raises awareness of RiseUp powered by Kids Help Phone. Through this collaboration, we hope to support mental health in Black communities across Canada.
They say grief is just love with nowhere to go.
If that was true, then Allix Nelson was absolutely buried in it. A weight tethered to every heartbeat, drawing each tender heartstring so taut they threatened to snap against the load. In fact, she was almost certain many of them already had, popping like strands on the bow of a violin.
The sounds she’d made that night. Brutal, animalistic wails, as she hugged her arms to her chest in a vain attempt to hold herself together against the wave of devastation and tears. Barely able to draw in a single breath between the onslaught. She’d never experienced anything like it before, and if that was the consequence of falling in love, Allix wanted no part of it ever again.
Alone in her high school bathroom, fresh tears assailed her and Allix swallowed a muffled cry against the palm of her damp hand. Now was not the time to lose herself to sorrow but she couldn’t stop the torrent. It had only been ten days since she broke up with Eduardo and her heart still ached like a rotting tooth that festered more and more as the days stretched on.
“C’mon Allix. Seriously? Get it together…” She faced her reflection—but her warm brown skin and shoulder-length curls were little more than a blurred mess behind a liquid wall of her agony. “Exams start in an hour, you need a solid 98% if you want that scholarship. You need that scholarship.” Her chin stiffened in determination.
But her heart gave a single, defeated stutter. Boys. Why had she ever allowed herself to get caught up in one? Never mind that he had been ridiculously attractive and smart…and funny and super thoughtful. Never mind that he’d made her feel seen with his caring gestures and consistent attentiveness, showing up for her in ways no one ever had before.
If ‘if he wanted to he would’ were a person, it would’ve been Eduardo. Yet…despite being so good on paper, what did he do? He cheated with his ex-girlfriend. And screenshots of those flirtatious messages later found their way into Allix’s DMs from some finsta account asking: this your man, sis?
Smirking emoji added at the end just to rub some salt in the wound. Those screenshots haunted Allix nearly every second of the day, and even if she managed to somehow forget for a spare moment, it wasn’t long before it leapt up to slap her in the face.
Eduardo had been her first. She had been his second.
And despite what she’d thought had been almost eight incredible months together, plus her virginity, two weeks ago he decided the girl he really wanted to be with was his ex. Gorgeous. Talented. And half a world away—hence their breakup—but apparently moving back to Toronto in a month’s time.
The first day of their breakup she’d been numb from shock, but soon sadness took hold and transformed into something far more insidious as his betrayal wrenched to the surface all her deepest fears of inadequacy that coalesced into a storm of grief lodged into her chest. So vast it was nearly impossible to breathe through the weight of it all. And no matter what she did or how hard she pushed herself, the dense clouds thundered ominously inside her, reminding Allix how precarious her footing was.
As a young Black girl, she navigated her way through life walking on a tightrope. One small shift in balance or weight, and she’d topple over. Fall.
And Allix Nelson did not fall.
Allix swiped her damp palms on her thighs—water seeping into denim—and was about to pick up her discarded backpack when a flash of colourful text from the poster on the wall caught her eye.
FOR EVERYTHING YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE.
The RiseUp powered by Kids Help Phone program had reached the halls of her school little over a month ago in a series of posters and announcements during a morning assembly. Like most of her peers, she hadn’t given it much thought until the night Eddy broke her heart. She’d opened her journal to write down the mess of her thoughts when she’d found the bookmark Mr. Burton handed out following his speech discussing the importance of seeking out mental health support systems. The thin paper was stamped with contact details and statistics of affected youth—especially Black youth.
But it was the slogan that made her pause. Because that was exactly how she felt.
Most girls would cry to their mothers, sisters, or even friends, but Allix found every time she tried, her tongue immobilized like it was made of cement. Her mom had enough on her plate as a single parent struggling to keep a family of four afloat alongside her demanding career as a senior director for a major corporation. After putting herself through years of night school just to earn the degree necessary to catapult herself forward—Allix was in awe of what she’d accomplished in such a short span of time, and secretly worried that opening up to her mother about her struggles would only lead to her feeling guilty for needing to be focused on meeting the demands of her new role in order to provide the best lives possible for her girls.
As for her sisters…well, as much as Allix loved them, not only were they too young to understand the burden of responsibility on her shoulders as the eldest, but the last thing she needed was one of them weaponizing her pain during a moment of conflict—which happened like clockwork with four girls competing for space in the bathroom at least twice a week.
And yeah, okay she had friends, but this was too vulnerable, too raw. And if someone dared break the seal of confidence and trust—this would spread like a forest fire through the halls, razing what was left of Allix’s world to the ground. She’d seen it happen far too many times to others, and the ensuing carnage that followed was not a reality she wanted to experience.
Fishing out her cell phone, Allix typed RISE into a new text thread to 686868. Immediately her phone vibrated in her hand as a series of automated prompts pinged across her screen, followed by a final one:
Hey, it’s Koda. I’m here to support you today.
Can you tell me a bit about your situation?
To her surprise, the pressure in her chest immediately eased, like a tire deflating seconds before it overfilled and was about to explode.
Hi…thanks, sorry. Allix typed her response into the thread. I’m okay.
I mean…I will be. I’m trying to be.
She’d almost hesitated to write the last part, but pushed through the awkward and guilty pang that arose like stomach bile to sear against the back of her throat every time she did anything remotely close to taking up emotional space after a lifetime of conditioning herself to be strong and suck it up.
Maybe it was because her mom, a literal powerhouse, handled herself that way. In the eyes of the world, she tackled everything fearlessly but at night, as Allix crammed for calculus or biology, she heard her mother crying into her pillow when she thought everyone else was fast asleep. Being a single mom wasn’t easy, and in this economy?
It was why Allix was working so hard to land the full-ride scholarship. Not just to make her mother proud; it was about securing a better future for all of them. By the time she graduated, she’d land a corporate job and would be able to help with her sisters’ post-secondary educations, carry the burden of the mortgage at home and even one day take her mother on a much needed and deserved vacation to Spain. A place she’d only ever visited in her dreams but never had the chance to experience before becoming a parent. They were a team and she showed up for her family every day determined to give her absolute best because wasn’t that what the eldest kid was supposed to do?
Help. Contribute. Support?
I’m glad to hear, Koda typed back, pulling Allix out of her head and back to the present moment. You’ve shown a lot of courage by texting in today for support. What feelings brought you to reach out?
I’m a little anxious if I’m honest. Allix worried the edge of her thumbnail between her teeth before adding, well, scared. I didn’t study as much as I wanted, and the formulas…I might forget. And if I can’t ace this then…
Then the last three and half years will be a waste of so much hard work and—oh no—the tears were back. Allix tipped her head to sniffle them down as she typed it all out. Her deepest thoughts and feelings. How that for as long as she could remember, Allix was the second set of hands when her mom needed help around the house or with her siblings, always leading by example with her high GPA and work ethic. Single mothers were measured by the performance of their children, Black mothers even more so, and Allix had been all too aware of the way society judged her mother for being barely twenty and unwed, with no man in sight.
The cruel glares and scathing comments were branded into her most formative memories, but Allix quickly discovered that the more she shone in school the scowls soon turned to smiles, and the same people who’d ridiculed her mother were quickly in line to pat her on the back, praising her for having raised such a smart little girl. Allix had pushed herself to excel every day ever since, but the wear was taking a toll, and this blindsiding act of betrayal and heartbreak was the final straw to break her overburdened back.
I understand, Koda responded. Exams can be intimidating, and it sounds like you have a lot of additional stress that you’re working through, as well. I want to check in on your safety. Are you having thoughts of suicide, either today or in the last few days?
Whoa…Allix took a moment to reflect on that and breathed through the uncomfortable knot in her stomach. That was a deep subject to explore but, she realized as the tension lifted from her shoulders with understanding, a vital one to hold space for. Suicide wasn’t something openly discussed, and for those who suffered with those kinds of thoughts, knowing someone cared enough about their safety to ask might be the difference between suffering in silence or reaching out.
No, she typed at last. I’m just really stressed out. I have a lot riding on my shoulders, and the risk of failure has me spiraling.
Thank you for sharing that with me. In the past when you’ve felt anxious, what has helped you relieve some of that stress?
What had helped? Music. Music let her disappear from the noise of the world and focus on the task at hand. Next was compartmentalizing. Once, when Allix was seven, she’d got the bright idea to reorganize her and her sister’s bedrooms. She’d started with tearing apart the closets, and then their drawers and before she knew it, the mess she’d created felt insurmountable. Drawn by her distressed sobs, her mom came upstairs and found Allix curled up in a corner, defeated. She’d helped clean away Allix’s tears from her cheeks and once she calmed down, told her a simple truth Allix lived by every single day since: if the problem seems too big, make the problem smaller. She did that by breaking it down into manageable chunks, tackling each one until the problem whittled away into nothing.
So how could she make this problem smaller?
Allix’s eyes flew back to the time on her phone. There were still fifteen minutes left before the exam was to start, which was just enough for her to put on her study playlist and review her cheet sheet of formulas, which was the hardest part of math, to keep them fresh in her mind. From there, all she could do was trust in herself. Trust that she’d done the work. Trust in all her effort and late nights spent studying.
If her mom was here, she’d have said the same thing. Allix had worked far too hard and far too long not to have faith in herself in this crucial moment. She’d overcome every challenge thus far, she could get through this, too.
It sounds like you have a strong plan of action in place, Koda said after she quickly outlined her next steps. How are you feeling now that we’ve talked for a bit?
Better. She paused, then added, before courage failed her, it’s not easy for me to talk to people. To share what I’m feeling with anyone, let alone strangers. And I really didn’t think this would help much, but…it really has.
You’re most welcome, Allix. I’m happy to be here for you, Koda responded. You’ve shown such incredible strength in reaching out and sharing your feelings. If you’re still feeling anxious or overwhelmed after your exam, we’re here 24/7 if you need to text in again, and can offer additional support or resources that might help you. Take care.
Tucking away her phone in her back pocket, Allix squared with the mirror and this time she met her reflection with a strong chin and steady heart. That moment of connection had eased so much weight off her chest and filled it with a lightness instead, if for no other reason than knowing someone was there for her, without hesitation or judgment or expectation. Koda, or anyone else form RiseUp would merely listen and offer support or guidance, and that…that was such a blessing.
A privelege.
Head back on straight, Allix took a confident breath and set out to conquer her dreams.
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Where can I find more stories from people in Black communities?
You can tap on the stories below to explore more first-person experiences from Black people in Canada:
