If you’re living with abuse, you’re not alone — help is available. Emergency / community services and child protection services are available across Canada and mobile crisis support is also available in some areas. No matter what, your safety is a priority.
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Whether it’s friends, fights, family, the future, or anything else, you can get free, 24/7, confidential help at KHP:
Call 1-800-668-6868
Text 686868 or message online
Living with abuse is very hard. Kids and teens in abusive situations experience a great deal of stress every day. They may feel trapped or like there’s nowhere to turn. They may not know whom they can trust.
If things have been rough at home for a long time, you may have become used to it. The abuse may feel almost normal and it may even be difficult to recognize it as abuse. This can be a way of coping — if you accept the abuse as normal, it feels less upsetting. But deep down, you know that what’s happening isn’t right.
These feelings are common for young people living with family abuse:
- sadness
- guilt
- fear
- anger
- shame
- confusion
- hopelessness
- helplessness
- betrayal
- rejection
- worthlessness
Unhealthy ways to cope with abuse
Not getting the love or care you deserve can change the way you think. Some young people try coping in ways that could potentially put them at risk of harm, such as engaging in self-injury or drug and alcohol use. Although these may make you feel better in the moment, they can make you feel worse overall. Unhealthy coping strategies can mask your feelings without helping you to solve the problem.
Abuse is NOT your fault
It’s important to understand that what’s happening at home is not your fault. If you’ll find it helpful, write that down and put it someplace where you’ll see it every day. Try not to blame yourself for what’s going on. Even if you’re told that the abuse is a “punishment” for something that you’ve done “wrong,” you don’t deserve it. No one deserves to be abused or neglected.
Talk to someone
You can’t control what happens in your family, but you can choose how you respond to it. One option is to talk to someone about it. It may feel impossible, especially if you’re worried that talking about it will make things worse, but here’s what you can consider doing:
- Get help: you can’t always overcome abuse by yourself. You may need help to create or access a safer situation.
- Talk about it: consider sharing about it with someone you trust — someone who isn’t causing the abuse. You can also call Kids Help Phone to talk to a counsellor confidentially and anonymously (without telling us your name) or text / message online with a volunteer crisis responder confidentially. If you want us to, we can help you call the emergency / community services in your area or child protection services.
- Be prepared: the person you tell should take you seriously and want to help you right away. If they don’t want to get involved, you may need to tell someone else. Don’t wait for things to get better on their own.
Not ready to talk yet?
Young people who live with abuse often feel conflicted and confused. They know that things aren’t right, but they don’t feel ready to tell someone what’s happening.
Sometimes, young people don’t want to talk about abuse because they feel guilty. They may feel like they’re betraying their parents, siblings or caregivers by asking for help. They may also be worried about practical things, like being separated from their siblings, or in certain cases, being deported.
It takes a lot of courage to talk about abuse, so take the time you need. Until you’re ready to talk, here are some things you can do to stay safe and prepare for the next step:
- create a safety plan
- get involved with hobbies
- identify and build your social support network
- connect with people who you feel safer with
Staying as safe as possible
Prioritizing your safety is important, even if you’ve already told someone about the abuse and you’re getting help. This may mean avoiding certain family members or calling the emergency services in your area when you feel like you’re in danger.
It’s also important to be emotionally safe. This may mean not exposing yourself to situations that make you feel uncomfortable, or staying away from unsupportive friends. It’s a good idea to make a plan for your own safety.
If you need more support, you can connect with Kids Help Phone for strategies to find safer spaces and / or people.
Calling the police or child protection services
If you’re being hurt at home, it may be time to call the emergency / community services in your area or child protection services.
If you’re worried about making the call, it may help to have a friend or an adult you trust with you when you do. You can also connect with Kids Help Phone and ask someone to help you. They can make the call for you or talk you through it.
Calling the police
The quickest way to call the police is to dial 911. While you’re on the phone, the following may occur:
- The operator will ask if you want police, fire or ambulance services. Say that you want the police.
- The operator will ask for your name, address and phone number.
- They may also ask you for your age.
- They will ask you to explain a little bit about what’s happening. For example, if you or someone in your family is getting hurt, say so. Do not hang up.
Calling child protection services
Child protection services helps young people who are living with family violence. It’s a good idea to phone them if you’re worried about yourself or other young people at home. To find the number for child protection services in your area, search the term “child protection services” on Resources Around Me. If you have an emergency (e.g. someone is getting hurt at that very moment) call 911 or the emergency services in your area.
These child protection services may also be called:
- Children’s Aid Society (CAS)
- Family Connexions
- child welfare
- child and family services
- social services
Should I call child protection services?
If you’re experiencing abuse or neglect at home, you can call child protection services. Even if you’re not sure that it’s abuse or neglect, you can call child protection services for advice. You can also call them if you know someone else who is experiencing abuse or neglect.
Here’s what you can expect when you call:
- The first person you speak to will likely be an intake worker. This person will ask you about what’s going on so that they can learn more about your situation. You may be asked to give your name and other identifying information, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to. However, the child protection agency may have caller identification.
- The intake worker will talk with you to decide what to do. If they think you’re in immediate danger, a child protection worker may come right away, or they may send emergency services in your area.
- If you aren’t in immediate danger, the intake worker may make a plan to meet with you at a later time. They may also do an investigation. This means that they may want to speak with your parents or caregivers, relatives, teachers, doctor or other important people in your life. You can ask that they don’t tell others that you’re the one who called. If you need medical attention, the intake worker will make sure you get it. In some cases, they may also involve the police.
- Child protection services will try to get you the support you need to be safe. If it’s safe, this may mean that you stay at home with your family while your family gets support (e.g. counselling). A worker from child protection services may stay involved with your family for a while, visiting regularly to see how your family is doing and checking in to see that you’re safe.
- If it’s not safe for you to stay at home, you may be placed somewhere else, such as a relative’s home, a group home or foster care.
Calling child protection services anonymously
It’s possible to call child protection services to ask for advice or information anonymously. You may want to remain anonymous if you don’t feel ready to report the abuse yet, or if you just want to find out what may happen if you make a report.
If you call anonymously, the intake worker may ask for information like your name, address or school. They may tell you that you should give these details. If you do, and if they think that there is abuse in your home, they must intervene. This is true even if you talk about a situation as if it’s hypothetical. (For example, “If someone’s parents did ‘X,’ is it abuse?”)
The child protection agency may also have caller identification. So, even if you don’t give your name, they may choose to investigate.
During your anonymous call, do what feels right for you. If you don’t want child protection services to get involved yet, you can say “no” and not give them any information.
What if I want to keep living at home?
Child protection workers understand that many kids and teens want to stay at home, even if they’re experiencing abuse or neglect. They try to make this happen whenever possible. A child protection worker may take you to stay somewhere else only if they believe that it isn’t safe for you to stay at home. They must explain their decision to a judge, and you have the right to see a lawyer to have your voice heard as well.
If I call, will my parents or caregivers find out?
Your parents or caregivers will find out that someone called child protection services if a worker gets involved. The child protection worker might not identify who contacted them, especially if you ask them not to. If it’s important to you that your parents or caregivers not find out, ask the intake worker not to identify you. If the courts become involved, your confidentiality can’t be guaranteed.
What happens next?
After you talk to someone about what’s been going on, things at home may not get better right away. You may need some time to adjust, depending on what is decided and who is involved in the process. Try to take things one day at a time and remember why you spoke out in the first place.
Taking care of yourself
It’s important to take care of yourself, especially when there’s a lot going on. You can explore ideas to practise self-care in the resources and tools below:
If you’re struggling with your feelings, or if you just need to talk, you can always call Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868, text 686868 or message online. You can also contact someone else you trust, such as a relative, community member, Elder, friend or anyone else you feel comfortable with. You don’t have to handle things on your own and you’re not alone.
