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finding something to live for took me forever. for three and a half years, I had nothing. no motivation. I was in and out of the hospital, constantly in crisis.
when finding something to live for, it doesn’t have to be big. it doesn’t have to even be a family member. actually, I sometimes suggest against living for a family member. in some cases, I’ve seen people start to resent that person, like their existence is keeping them from ending their pain. this has happened to me. for me, the future and believing it would get better was what helped me. at first, I had to pretend. I didn’t believe I would make it to the day where I was happy. I find having concrete goals helped me. I started applying to university, and the dream felt within reach: I could get out of my home and start figuring out who I was, outside of a family situation. and it took a while for me to get there. I wasn’t ready to get better, because I didn’t want to put in the work. not that I was lazy- it was just that I was so tired from always constantly fighting for my life that I couldn’t imagine juggling getting better on top of surviving. and it takes time. I still struggle, and I have to live with the fact that because of my diagnosis, that I probably will for the rest of my life. and first i was discouraged when I thought about that. but now I know that just because I will struggle with intense emotions and mood swings doesn’t mean I can’t live a life outside of the hospital. some days I am determined to live. others, not so much. but that’s part of the process. don’t get discouraged when you fall down, it doesn’t mean you failed, it means you were doing something brave. every second that you stay alive when you are suicidal is a win. living isn’t easy, but sometimes we just have to know there’s someone in your corner. there will always be someone in your corner. even if it’s not a family member. just remember to have something to live for. stay for your cat. stay to eat your favourite food again, stay for the My Chemical Romance and One Direction reunions. stay to travel. to learn something new. to love. to experience life outside of illness. for music. stay. just stay. this is not the end of your life. I am still here regardless of how many times I tried not to be, because my life didn’t end when I was fourteen. or or seventeen. or two weeks ago. I’m here because I know I have so much to say, so many people to convince that life is beautiful, because it is. one day you will see it.
Kids Help Phone (KHP) is honoured to share creative content submitted by youth from coast to coast to coast as they Feel Out Loud with us. We thank the Feel Out Loud Community Creator of this piece for their contribution to youth mental health and well-being in Canada. For more information on the Feel Out Loud Community Creator Space and / or how you can submit your own creative content for possible publication, you can visit the submission page.
